Because I’m afraid I put you all to sleep the other day:
Yes, we all know that a glimpse of underpants drives monsters and psychopaths into murderous frenzies, but has anyone ever wondered why? It’s my contention that these emissaries of evil are controlled by the ever-elusive Underpants Gnomes, whose secret society acts to filch and hoard ladies’ underpants.
So, I bring you the TOP TEN SCREAM QUEENS WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY SHOULD REALLY FEAR: UNDERPANTS GNOMES!
#10: “Carrie”-- Never take a bath when your psychopath mom is hiding in the crazy prayer closet!
#9: “Psycho”-- ALWAYS look for peepholes when the guy you’re renting a room from is a taxidermist, and refers to his mom as “Mother.”
#8: “Jaws 2”—It’s really the underpants that shark is after.
#7: “Halloween” – Teenagers should never strip down to their underpants, especially when they also smoke the marijuana.
#6: “Silence of the Lambs”- Do NOT put the lotion in the basket
#5: “The Exorcist”- gross!
#4: “Cabin Fever”- bad molesty boyfriends get even more pervy at the sight of underpants.
#3: “Poltergeist”- Underpants made JoBeth Williams stick to a ceiling.
#2: “Alien,” “Aliens,” AND “Ghostbusters”- Underpants Gnomes are driven particularly crazy by Sigourney Weaver.
#1: “Sixteen Candles” – Ladies, NEVER give your underpants to a geek.
“Dressed to Kill”- Never show your psychiatrist your underpants.
“Devil’s Rejects”- Terry from Three’s Company learned the hard way: never hang out with clowns
“High Tension”- Lesbians fly into rages when they see their friends’ underpants, but must sublimate their urges.
“Nightmare on Elm Street”- another underpant chick stuck to a ceiling
* “When a Stranger Calls”- the reverse, the killer strips to his underpants, and who wants to see that?
* “Don’t Look Now”- sometimes no underpants are good.
* “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”- a rare sighting of the underpant Gnome/Hobbit, stealing underpants and true love.